Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
