There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
