I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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