we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
