he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
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