smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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