Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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