I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
