Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
