My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
