During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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