She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
