I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
