oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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