I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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