Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
