i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
