You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
bring money and cleavage
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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