benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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