In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
