Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
There's always time for handjobs
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
