haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
