I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
