I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one