Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
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My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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