i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
