I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
