Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
