I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
