my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
