Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
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