we're chasing vodka with high fives
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
