Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
