She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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