do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
