I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Threesome in a minivan. New low
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
