there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
