My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
