that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
