About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
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