I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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