You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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