am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
