life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just found a bag of teeth...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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