you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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