I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
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I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
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I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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