There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
