Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
