Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
