she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
