Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
