While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
