When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
