So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
