Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
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Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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