Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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