Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
