I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Randomize
